With so many dating books and online dating advice available today, not to mention the help and opinions freely given by friends and family: the do’s and don’ts of dating can make you feel overwhelmed. On the one hand, the advice based on facts is helpful and provides much-needed awareness, insights, and encouragement in the right direction. On the other hand, the sheer volume of information out there mixed with the “expert” opinions of friends and family can make us second guess ourselves and wonder if we are dating the “right” way. I don’t believe in dating rules, ONLY in setting a strong foundation for dating success, which starts with us. With that said, here are my “12 Back to Basics Principals for Dating Success” to support you in dating authentically, confidently and trusting yourself without overwhelm and confusion. I recommend keeping these in mind as your dating compass to keep you on track during your dating journey.

1. PREPARE TO TAKE ACTION

Understand that dating success requires work. The odds of Love just happening with minimal effort is extremely limited. It isn’t real!  It’s a different dating world today, and if you genuinely and wholeheartedly want to attract a great partner, accept your reality, and that for most of us to achieve it, requires effort, action, a positive, resilient attitude, and a smart strategy to maximise your opportunities and success. This isn’t about being desperate or needy, it’s about understanding that to achieve your goal, do something about it. It can take time, so delaying, investing your time in everything else or giving up will keep you further away from it.

Instead, consider changing things up, pushing further past your comfort zone and objectively reflecting on how what you’re doing now is working for you? If you’re re-active and believe “it will happen when it happens” or “you never find it when you’re looking for it,” it’s a myth.  It’s logical and proven by science that you will attract love when you’re more pro-active and take consistent action. This isn’t new; it’s the same principal for everything in life.
You also don’t want to be too rigid about it, as this will set you up for disappointment and change your energy to a negative one. Balance is key.  Could you be doing something you’re not aware of that’s preventing you from having success with dating? I coach many clients on this, and often many people don’t realise their blind spots which aren’t helping them, and sometimes don’t know where to begin, and how to do it. Ultimately, you’re responsible for achieving your relationship success and life happiness.

2. STOP BELIEVING THE “STORY” YOU’RE TELLING YOURSELF

By story, I mean all the reasons you’ve decided are now facts as to why it’s “difficult” or “impossible” to find the right partner, We’ve all heard these, right? Men never approach me; Women aren’t approachable; Men fear strong, successful women; Men want supermodels; I only attract younger or married men; The population is too small; I need to lose weight / get in shape first. The list goes on and can be endless! How is thinking about these things helping you? I guess, not at all!  As cliche as it sounds, the truth is if you believe this, and invest your energy focusing on it, this is what you will see and likely experience.

Regardless of these situations, the solution is re-adjusting our attitude, beliefs, and perception, then putting effort into actions to attract the relationship you want. It also needs patience, and it’s worth it. Don’t limit yourself and play small by accepting and believing negative thoughts and opinions about your “circumstances”. Consider the “fake” facts and challenge them. Instead, create a new story by believing a great relationship is possible for you, you will attract a superb partner, as millions of other single men and women have globally. Then invest your time and energy in how best you can do that. It starts with believing in it and being optimistic.

3. ABANDON RIGID DATING “RULES”

The energy and tone you set at the start of dating should be light, trusting, and open. Deciding and acting on rigid, “Rules” comes from a place of control and manipulation and breeds mistrust regarding dating success.  It can restrict the natural process of genuinely discovering the person you’re dating, being authentic, and learning if a real connection and chemistry can develop- the most important thing!

Instead, take the time to understand men, women, dating, and communication intelligently from trusted people around you whose opinions aren’t biased, quality sources like dating and relationship coaches and experts, and from quality books and articles based on research and facts. Consider all the information, which resonates with you, then trust yourself to judge each situation in a smart and informed way. There isn’t a perfect answer to each dating scenario. Attracting love involves learning about you along the way and evolving. Stay open to it.

4. DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT & HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED

Be clear first about the values, morals, principals, and character you want in your ideal partner, and those you are also bringing to the relationship table. For a real, lasting and happy relationship these need to go beyond superficial qualities. It’s worthwhile, periodically reflecting on what is valuable and relevant to you, which develops with maturity, personal growth, and life experiences. Being clear about how you want to be treated by your partner will support you during your dating journey. If you want a partner who consistently shows you he/she is happy to see you, spend time with you, is respectful, attentive, responds to your needs, values you; respects your space and independence; it’s essential to maintain your standards and check in with your feelings regularly. If your date doesn’t “show” your reasonable responsiveness or interest in progressing, it may not be a suitable match, so be selective in how much more time and energy you invest and move on quickly. Simple! It’s important to stay objective while you’re discovering your partner, and not imposing assumptions that they are great or not so great too soon, or have high demands or expectations on someone you just met.

Consider the way someone behaves with you during the first few dates (when you are strangers) isn’t necessarily a reflection of what kind of partner they will make. It’s too soon to tell, unless there are glaring red flags and not an attraction at all. When someone likes you, they’re more invested, and that can take time to build. The point is, you can’t decide if they’re “perfect partner material if you don’t know each other. Learn about the person.

5. VALUE AND RESPECT YOURSELF

As a high-value woman or man, you have respect for yourself, and others, and will be intuitive when you’re not being valued, honoured and respected in return. Never continue in a negative situation, even though it feels off.  Respecting yourself and your needs maintain your high value, so you won’t be taken for granted; pressured into moving too fast; or accepting the low-quality behaviour. Having a well rounded, and happy balance in life for yourself first that your partner will be enhancing, not creating, keeps you resilient to these disappointments as well.

6. BE AUTHENTIC

Revealing your true nature, charisma and personality from the first date give your date insight into the real you and how they will feel being with you. Relationship-Mind men and women don’t have time to invest energy in the “guarded and perfect” version of you and learn later there is a different person behind it. It’s that many relationships break up at the 3-6 month mark when the “mask” falls off. Be comfortable being you and real. If you’re holding back, take the time to reignite your qualities, attributes, and strengths, which make you attractive and unique and loveable.

7. AVOID OVER THINKING

Detach from analysing, over-thinking and being influenced by the opinions of everyone and even yours sometimes! They are usually well intended, AND often just unhelpful assumptions. You know yourself better than anyone, connect with your feelings and how you want your date to treat you. How you feel during and after each date should be your guide along with these other principals. Doing this allows you to be open-hearted, open-minded, warm, while you’re discovering your date. By quietly observing your dates consistent behaviours and actions over a few dates, you’re learning who they are as a person. You’ll then instinctively know when it “feels” right to take the next steps. That’s usually because of an equal exchange of care, attention, time, energy, and expression of feelings.

8. DON’T ACT OR REACT FROM FEAR

Remembering this will support you when you’re feeling anxious about how your date feels about you or hasn’t reciprocated or responded in the way you want. In the beginning stages, a lot may happen in your dates’ life that they are not sharing with you- they don’t owe you an explanation when you don’t know each other. If something is off, and you’re concerned about them, raise it in a non-confrontational way, but never act from fear or insecurity. Keep your ego in check!. Give your date space, and time to respond.

Whatever the reason, be sure you’re keeping all the principals in mind then make contact because you want to, without expectation, and not because you’re angry, disappointed or fearful. Then relax and carry on enjoying your busy life and decide the next steps when they respond. If they don’t, you have your answer. Next!

9. RELEASE ATTACHMENT FROM THE OUTCOME

To avoid overly investing too soon, in the very early stages of dating, never judge, over-analyze the outcome prematurely, or assume anything about the person you’re dating or the status of your relationship. Be present for each moment you’re with your date, and enjoy discovering who they are, their passions, needs, values, and goals. Until you have both communicated and confirmed mutual feelings of attraction, and interest to be exclusive you should in the meantime be enjoying your life without attachment to an outcome.

10. BURY THE PAST- IT’S OVER

Do the work to clear most of your baggage, hurt, blind spots, barriers from the past so it doesn’t influence your dating life. Stay aware of yourself and if your reactions are triggered by past wounds and upset. Understand this is human, and you can’t switch them off overnight, but moving forward optimistically and expecting a better relationship for you will also support the healing process. Everyone has past hurts and disappointments. The past doesn’t dictate your future relationship success unless you haven’t done the work to be open and trusting again. It’s always wise to take it slow and be cautious in any new relationship while you’re building trust and discovering each other. Remember, it isn’t your new partner’s responsibility to fix your past hurt, and it isn’t fair to impose that expectation on anyone. That’s your job!

11. HAVE A SMART STRATEGY

In the same way managing your career, business, family life takes planning, and a consistent investment of time, energy and effort so does your dating life. Almost everyone is busy! Filling your life with busy-ness, and not making space and time and being open to attract a relationship won’t result in one. Make sure your busy-ness isn’t an excuse.
Create a plan of action and strategy to create opportunities for your dating success and start taking steps towards attracting your ideal partner and relationship.

12. EXPECT TO ATTRACT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

Stay positive, resilient and maintain the firm belief within you, that you WILL attract the perfect partner for you. Facing disappointing dates until you meet your ideal partner is part of the dating success journey. When you do, it won’t feel confusing and won’t involve your second-guessing yourself or feeling anything other than a peaceful, quiet confidence that it’s right because it feels good.

Best
Maria x

Maria Christie
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