Every day I hear the same story from men. They are frustrated with dating, relationships and women in general. I’ve even heard men describe themselves as a failure. It is in this dark place that confidence dwindles or hope is lost for some men. For those of you fellas out there who feel this way, it is important to realize that this is an issue of misunderstanding on both sides of the dating divide. Just as it is necessary for women to understand you, men need to help bridge the gap when communicating with women.

How many times have you been told that you just don’t listen or you don’t understand her feelings? In your defense you’re not a mind reader, but there is something to be considered if this is a common theme with you. Firstly, you are hard wired to be the protector, provider and logical. There is no getting around that. You want a woman to be a prize and you want to win her outright, never by default. You don’t want drama to interfere with knowing her, loving her or making a place in your life for her. Now you need to learn how to communicate with her better, so she feels like you do understand and acknowledge her feelings.

Communicating Better with Women

Remember these key points:

• Women like to talk about what they’re feeling — Men like space when they’re dealing with something.

• Women show love based on how they want to receive love — Men show love through actions.

• Women read into everything a man does or says — Men don’t like to waste that kind of time on “maybes”.

How to deal with the “maybe”?

Remember how she reads into everything? “Maybe” is a loaded word for women. Maybe he likes me. Maybe he’s no longer interested. Maybe he’s using me. The list of maybes could go on for days. If you want to combat the maybe, head it off with succinct yeses and nos. Something I advocate to male clients is simply being you. When you get swept up in the beginning of a relationship it is easy to forget to address your quirks, needs and desires. You want to come across as cool and masculine and you don’t want to reveal any flaws. Men want to be winners and a winner doesn’t show weakness. The truth is, your flaws are more beautiful than your handsome face, or the flowers you brought her. In revealing yourself, you show her that you trust her with your “secret”. Women also like to feel like a priority as opposed to an option. Options are maybes. So if she is not an option, don’t treat her like one.

communicating better with women

Ask for the time and space you need

It is not in your nature to come to a woman and say, “Baby, I’m having a tough day. I need time to get things sorted out, but I don’t want you to feel neglected”. That statement is how women think and behave. Women want to be considerate, because they are taught to be caregivers. They take your withdrawal personally sometimes. Now, I’m not saying that you need to give a daily feelings report, but this is something to note when you need space. Find a compromise in this area. You can explain it, without having to literally explain yourself.

Being tangible vs. elusive in how you show your love

Men and women do not show love in the same way. You go from being tangible to elusive when you don’t grasp what her love language is. Yes, the same can be said in reverse. Pay close attention in the beginning to how she expresses her feelings toward you. This is how she wants to be loved. Dr. Gary Chapman breaks it down to five categories; acts of service, physical touch, affirmations, quality time and gift giving. Does she like when you take out the trash, or when you bring flowers? Or does she prefer affection and praise? Observe what makes her happy and do that which makes her feel loved or liked (within reason, of course). Be it actions, words, or things, whatever speaks to her and makes her feel like you “get her” is how you need to show her you care.

What kind of man she wants

You want her to get you too, right? What women want and say they want are two different things. If you want to be tangible to her, be a good man. A good man is the hybrid of “nice guy” and “bad boy”. The shoulder to lean on, always there, and predictable is a nice guy. Flashy and exciting is a bad boy. A good man embodies qualities of being dependable and kind, while keeping a bit of mystery and surprise. He is confident and not arrogant. This is, to a woman, the best of both worlds; because you’re dominant without being controlling in the relationship. Genetically speaking you are the catch!

Let go of fear

The biggest reason men fail to take action is fear of failure. Letting the fear take over promotes paralyzing inaction. It’s the basic principle of pain versus pleasure. You would be more likely to walk into a bar fight or race a motorcycle without fear of real pain, than you would dealing with a potentially “painful” conversation with a woman. But what if you took the same approach to both? You thrive on competition and adrenaline. That is your power. Exert that same power over your fears. Stop worrying about what makes sense and focus on what drives her. All will be revealed when you can take an authentic, informed approach.

Lisa Schmidt
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