With the success of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series, and the proliferation of similar erotic fiction, it suddenly seems that everyone is curious about BDSM.

This is possibly one of the most misunderstood of kinks, but with the right approach, even a small play in the BDSM waters can enliven your sex life astronomically. So for those of you thinking of taking that delightful dip, then here are some popular misconceptions de-bunked.

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TIE HER TO THE BED-POSTS AND F**K HER

Now: this is a fine thing to do in a consensual relationship. But it is not bondage. In fact, much bondage play doesn’t even involved penetrative sex. Sound boring? Stay with me! The tying-up of the submissive is not just about restraint. Bondage often involves beautiful and intricate knots and ties whereby the submissive and the rope blend together to become a work of art. This is achieved by using a variety of rope, including silk and cotton. Good old sisal is still very popular, and you can improvise with scarves, ribbons, stockings or even gaffer-tape.

Part of the fun of BDSM play is to let your and your submissive’s imaginations run riot. Cutting-edge bondage then also introduces the element of suspension, where the submissive is hung, wholly, or in part, from a ceiling hook. This is a “don’t try this at home” type of play, unless you have properly tested ceiling hooks and some experience!

BOSS THE BITCH AROUND; SHE LOVES IT

Now a goodly percentage of women will admit to loving a touch of domination in the bedroom, at least at some stage in proceedings. And this can take place even with a one-night stand, if both parties agree. However, the domination side of BDSM is more than that. The Dom-Sub relationship really IS a relationship. It is very rare for this kind of play to work (i.e. give both parties the pleasure they seek, in a safe and consensual setting), between people who hardly know each other. That’s not to say that a dom-sub scene can only go on between committed couples.

Many couples are married to other people, and only catch up for BDSM play. But within that context, they know each other well. They have built up to a shared, safe, pleasurable level of play. A dom needs to give his submissive care and control. And the emphasis is on CARE. A good dom knows his sub’s boundaries and knows where s/he wants to be pushed. The dom gains pleasure from giving the sub pleasure. Some subs like to go into slave mode, where they thrill from waiting on their dom, kneeling down in front of them until ordered to do something. Those orders could be sexual or domestic. Part of the pleasure is not knowing what the dom will ask you to do, but trusting that you will not be pushed beyond your boundaries.

CONFIDENT WOMEN LIKE TO BE DOMMES

It is actually often the opposite. Much of the pleasure of BDSM comes from the joy of swapping our normal, daily roles for something different. For a confident woman, Dom Womenespecially one who has authority in her work/domestic life, sexual pleasure can be heightened by relinquishing control. I know a couple of high-level executives who love to spend most of the weekend slaving for their husbands (slaving in the play sense, not literally!). By the same token, many of the dominant men I know are, in everyday life, quiet and unassuming. It is in the BDSM arena that they can explore the more assertive side of their personality.  And that is, perhaps, the central tenet of this play: that we can explore, not just sensations, but aspects of ourselves. We can experiment with our own boundaries and fantasies within a safe, temporary, environment.

IF SHE LIKES TO BE TIED UP, SHE LIKES PAIN

There is pain, and there is pain. I know few women who will not admit to occasionally liking a slap on the arse and a pull of the hair. But the sado-masochist side of BDSM is another thing altogether. Unfortunately, porn has done this play no favours. Much so-called “bondage porn” is sadistic, humiliating and unrealistic. It emphasizes the pleasure the sadist gets, rather than the pleasure of the masochist. Most pain play is fairly benign: it is more about sharing unusual sensations than about hurting someone. it’s candle wax, tight ropes, needle play and flogging (which usually looks and sounds much harder than it is). Edgier play introduces knives, electricity and hard flogging.  Not everyone wants to go that far. As with bondage, this is about exploring and pushing boundaries in a consensual environment.

If you are truly interested in this play, and not just bedazzled by the porno image, then check in your city for “newbie” classes and get-togethers. The BDSM community is usually very welcoming, and happy to answer questions in an open and honest manner.  Whether this is something you want to introduce into your current relationship, or something you want to explore separately, dabbling in BDSM will give your sex-life some spice, and possibly lead you to discover some things about yourself.

Good luck, and have fun!

Tracey Korsten
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